The Parallel Skew

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Subject: English as a living language


Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter - and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of
time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3 Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis : Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon : It's when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido : All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedr oom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words .

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a st eamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
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This shit is golden...the winners are sublime, but i also like foreploy and sarchasm
-Jordan
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sublime?
-Stephen Schaffer
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Sorry, I'm using sublime as: "tending to inspire awe usually because of elevated quality (as of beauty, nobility, or grandeur) or transcendent excellence." From Miriam Webster
-Jordan
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thats interesting... i would never think of a word such as "beelzebug" or "pokemon" as tending to inspire awe, or even remotely close to elevated quality or beauty.
-Stephen
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What was awe inspiring to me is how the majority of the words on the winners list (on which "beelzebug" was not) capitalize on homophonic humor taken to the extreme, without even bastardizing the original spelling. Steven, if you cant get a laugh at thinking of "Pokemon" as a colloquial Rasta term for proctologist, you musta have sumtin' inna ya renk batty. I recommend seeing a proctologist.
-Jordan
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Why should I see a proctologist if I do not think Pokemon is funny??? Explain because i dont want to entirely discredit your suggestion, as I don't see any relevance What I do think is funny is your disgraceful attempt of sarcasm towards another opinion, although I'm still not laughing. I pity whoever shares an opinion with you on a day to day basis. I was hoping for an explanation of what exactly you think is sublime and why. Instead, you took my question as a personal attack, which I think may be due to lack of security or self confidence in your own words. Also, its Stephen ps: where did you learn to speak such fluid rasta ebonics?
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StePHen,
The proctological comment was a sophomoric attempt at insinuating that you had a stick up your butt. That was my attempt at explaining why you could not see the humor that I see. I'm sorry that that was unclear.
On a personal note, your supposition that my response to your query was in some way a defensive act, is offensive... possibly more so than a puerile attempt at a "butt joke."

I take mild offense in your characterization of me as having a lack of security or self confidence in my own words. If anything, my word choice is a point of pride. To be honest, I wanted you, a stranger, to be on the same page. I did and would not assume that you knew what the definintion of Sublime was (as illustrated by your use of an interrogative symbol after quoting the word in question). I am sorry that I impugned your dignity by responding with an unvarnished definition from a dictionary.

I regret that this repartee is not seen as such from both sides. Clearly, I took liberties I should not have. In the future I will refrain from using my knowledge of Jamaican slang, gleaned from years in the gulf coast drug trade, to insinuate, through hyperbolae, that you have no sense of humor. If I had known that you actually were in need of a Pokemon, I would not have so inconsiderately brought your chronic condition to light.

Warmest Regards,
Jordan
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yes i see your pride point - where did you learn to use such collegiate vocabulary.... that must be the overpriced lafayette education kicking in ... although i got the same out of a dictionary. I wouldnt give you a passing grade on your effort to impress me either. wearing a pink popped collar to work today are we? or just the seashell necklace
-Stephen
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StePHen,
You have again trumped me with your freakishly intimate understanding of my attire. I bow to your almighty crystal ball of fashion.

As for my overpriced Lafayette education, I found Lafayette's education was overpriced, at least in the liberal arts. I think what separates my vocabulary from that of other Mechanical Engineers, is that I read...books. Something tells me though that "overpriced" has more to do with what you get out (skills) vs what you pay (bills).

Even though I am deriving great pleasure from this exchange, I must be the one to end it. Convention demands that I not pick on someone smaller than me. Because I have never met you, I have no idea how big you are; I will have to judge size by means of apparent literacy.

Pretentiously Yours,
Sir Jordan John Kankles Roth, III
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