The Parallel Skew

Just check this out and expand on libertyhemp. I go by the pseudonym, JordanRoth:

http://current.com/items/88820287_keyhole_table

Wow pretty cool how you guys won Bone Bash, guess it pays to suck corporate dick instead of grinding it out in the bars like the rest of us. Nice how it all got swept under the rug, hope you can sleep at night.

Ciao Mike

Wow, you are quite articulate for a no-talent hack. We've heard your shit, and to be honest, the people at these bars you are "grinding it out in," probably are not there to hear your weak ass brand of derivative down-homey schlock, they are there to get drunk, which, coincidentally, is the only way to tolerate such uninventive shit. We actually CREATE music. Over 3 years we have self produced 2 EPs with tracks for an LP already laid down. We have played venues from 15 to now 2000 people. Your assertion that we haven't paid our dues is a little bullshit... Compensation in this business depends on skill. Apparently our skills paid our dues off a little more quickly than yours...At your age we thought you'd be paying into your 401k, not paying off your street cred cards.
As for sucking corporate cock, we love it; give it a try. We do it all the time, except replace "sucking" with "playing music for" and "corporate cock" with "fans who matter." You are lucky that your lead vocalist even puts up with your weak sauce anymore; she is the only one with any talent, and could probably draw crowds with the rest of the band muted. She works just fine for small shitty bars, but she can't really fill the stage at shoreline, hell, we barely could. In Rock, you do get points for trying. The radio play we have received before and after the show seems to point at a greater audience for us than for you dinosaurs, so I hope that we did the venue justice. As for how we sleep at night, we feel great, we played the FUCKING SHORELINE, and yes it was awesome. We don't know what was more awesome though: playing in front of 2000 people on the MAINSTAGE, the all access passes with all you could drink beer and catered food, the bottle of Cabo Wabo that Sammy Hagar sent to our dressing room, the fact that our women still have tight asses and firm tits, or the fact that at the same time, we swept some dirty, lying-ass cheaters under the rug. Would you rather we had have swept you up and thrown you out in the trash? At least you could have been cozy with the rest of your fans.
By the way, could you get us in contact with your promoter, and by promoter, we mean the guy who wrote that voting script for y'all (that's oakie, redneck, hick jargon; sure you'll understand)? We've realized that it must be much easier to cheat your way to success than to actually earn it by "grinding it out" with hard work and skillful promotion. We have recently positioned ourselves in a couple of contests where we're worried we won't win. If we get as poor a showing as you did, with only 1% of real votes, It'd be nice to have some padding. Don't quit your day jobs just yet (even if you are eligible for Social Security).

Ciao Douchebag,

Full On Flyhead

Here is a link to this lame ass band: www.myspace.com/fogcityswampers

Here is a quick story:

About a year ago, when apartment hunting, we came across a cheap stand alone 3+ br on craigslist. We loved it. It had its issues, but hey, no biggie.

When we went in to sign the lease, I made the mistake of reading it. There was language in there that basically said: If any appliance breaks, it is your responsibility to get it fixed.

Golf Alpha Yankee

Anywho... they were indignant that we had a problem with the contract and with our insistence that they fix the not to code kitchen (gas range, no fume hood)

needless to say, negotiations fell through.

in the weak 21st century revenge I am so keen on taking, I yelped them.

06/18/2007

I think finding an apartment in San Francisco is hard enough, but Makras shattered my previously formed concepts of ineptitude, dishonesty, and sheer laziness.

I and my two friends were excited about a "Huge 3 bedroom" apartment in the USF area. I wont give the address, but let's just say that it rhymes with...718 Barguello. When we went in to sign the lease. The property's agent, Judith, became indignant when we began questioning terms in their standard lease which kept them from ever having to fix anything. Being that the kitchen was a fire waiting to happen and the appliances were all circa the American revolution, it seemed like something we may want to discuss.
F'ing Crooks. Judith spat, "nobody has EVER had a problem with this lease...I have never spent 2 hours on a lease!" this was after minute 31 of discussing things ALREADY BROKEN in the spot. She obviously is not a student of the ancient art of clock reading.

She shuffled our papers, flipped through them and then kicked us out after one of my potential roommates could not produce the backside of the check copies his boss provided. The next day, he faxed them in, and was subsequently called a liar for not having all the info for them in the first place.

Victor Makras, King douche of the criminal empire that is Makras Realty, is well connected. He has scores of plaques and certificates in his meeting room which together amount to "Feminine Hygene Product of the decade." Apparently in the eighties, he lost out to Regan for that award. Victor rudely insulted the honor of the group. Victor did not have the common decency to call us when he denied our agreement and reposted the listing. Victor will pay for his crimes in this life or the next.

First a few warnings from previous experience:

• Do not rent from Makras unless you have a lawyer on a leash tied to the parking meter outside ready to rush inside and rip your agents jugular out with his gold nib fountain pen
• Do not rent from Makras unless you can afford to waste hours of your life with no expectation of ever getting them back
• Do not rent from Makras unless enjoy being forcibly raped with a rental agreement
• Lastly, Do not rent from Makras if you can read English.

Update 1/16/08
Call me crazy. Either Vic Makras has made a New Year's Resolution to stop being an exploitative, soul-stealing, bag of dicks, or he has enlisted cronies to bump the yelp rating up. Why are there 5 star reviews all of a sudden? Hmmmm. I hope the former is the case, but I fear that it is the latter. Happy hunting, just don't shot in the face by Vic.

Man I love talking shit.

As an April Fools joke I pranked tim. I put up a Craigslist ad and put his number down as the contact number. Here is the ad:

There is more, but it is too confusing to get into the intricacies of.

My lawyer has prepared this post:

I found these two seemingly similar Craigslist Casual Encounters ads. After some research I discovered that these are two members of a band who totally coincidentally cheated in a competition with Flyhead.

Here are the two ads:

Crazy Huh? Because she did play a show at La Barca... I know. Insane. What freaks!

---

date: Tue, Oct 30, 2007 at 9:10 AM
subject: I Will Cut You
mailed-by: gmail.com

haHA



--
Jordan Roth
JordanRoth@gmail.com

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HAHAHAHAHA
-Jeremy

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ummm...I'm a little scared.
-Kwade

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that is scary, i'm not gonna lie.
-Monique

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Think how scared I was when I got that in MY inbox this morning!!! I dont remember threatening myself.
-Jordan

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Subject: English as a living language


Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter - and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of
time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3 Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis : Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon : It's when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido : All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedr oom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words .

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a st eamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
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This shit is golden...the winners are sublime, but i also like foreploy and sarchasm
-Jordan
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sublime?
-Stephen Schaffer
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Sorry, I'm using sublime as: "tending to inspire awe usually because of elevated quality (as of beauty, nobility, or grandeur) or transcendent excellence." From Miriam Webster
-Jordan
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thats interesting... i would never think of a word such as "beelzebug" or "pokemon" as tending to inspire awe, or even remotely close to elevated quality or beauty.
-Stephen
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What was awe inspiring to me is how the majority of the words on the winners list (on which "beelzebug" was not) capitalize on homophonic humor taken to the extreme, without even bastardizing the original spelling. Steven, if you cant get a laugh at thinking of "Pokemon" as a colloquial Rasta term for proctologist, you musta have sumtin' inna ya renk batty. I recommend seeing a proctologist.
-Jordan
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Why should I see a proctologist if I do not think Pokemon is funny??? Explain because i dont want to entirely discredit your suggestion, as I don't see any relevance What I do think is funny is your disgraceful attempt of sarcasm towards another opinion, although I'm still not laughing. I pity whoever shares an opinion with you on a day to day basis. I was hoping for an explanation of what exactly you think is sublime and why. Instead, you took my question as a personal attack, which I think may be due to lack of security or self confidence in your own words. Also, its Stephen ps: where did you learn to speak such fluid rasta ebonics?
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StePHen,
The proctological comment was a sophomoric attempt at insinuating that you had a stick up your butt. That was my attempt at explaining why you could not see the humor that I see. I'm sorry that that was unclear.
On a personal note, your supposition that my response to your query was in some way a defensive act, is offensive... possibly more so than a puerile attempt at a "butt joke."

I take mild offense in your characterization of me as having a lack of security or self confidence in my own words. If anything, my word choice is a point of pride. To be honest, I wanted you, a stranger, to be on the same page. I did and would not assume that you knew what the definintion of Sublime was (as illustrated by your use of an interrogative symbol after quoting the word in question). I am sorry that I impugned your dignity by responding with an unvarnished definition from a dictionary.

I regret that this repartee is not seen as such from both sides. Clearly, I took liberties I should not have. In the future I will refrain from using my knowledge of Jamaican slang, gleaned from years in the gulf coast drug trade, to insinuate, through hyperbolae, that you have no sense of humor. If I had known that you actually were in need of a Pokemon, I would not have so inconsiderately brought your chronic condition to light.

Warmest Regards,
Jordan
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yes i see your pride point - where did you learn to use such collegiate vocabulary.... that must be the overpriced lafayette education kicking in ... although i got the same out of a dictionary. I wouldnt give you a passing grade on your effort to impress me either. wearing a pink popped collar to work today are we? or just the seashell necklace
-Stephen
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StePHen,
You have again trumped me with your freakishly intimate understanding of my attire. I bow to your almighty crystal ball of fashion.

As for my overpriced Lafayette education, I found Lafayette's education was overpriced, at least in the liberal arts. I think what separates my vocabulary from that of other Mechanical Engineers, is that I read...books. Something tells me though that "overpriced" has more to do with what you get out (skills) vs what you pay (bills).

Even though I am deriving great pleasure from this exchange, I must be the one to end it. Convention demands that I not pick on someone smaller than me. Because I have never met you, I have no idea how big you are; I will have to judge size by means of apparent literacy.

Pretentiously Yours,
Sir Jordan John Kankles Roth, III
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What a lame and unfunny video. Can you please return those two minutes of my life I spent watching this piece of drivel? Thanks. You can mail them to me at: 69 Blowme Way, Eat a Dick, CA 69696
-Jeremy
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I didn't want to be an asshole, but since the dam is broken, Kelley - unless one of those two actors is a relative of yours - your decision to send that to us makes me seriously question your sense of humor.
-Tim
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What a lame and unfunny response, Jer. Can you please return the last 2 years of my life that I have spent associating with a dickhead like you? Thanks. You can mail them to me at : 10 Tims Moms House, You are douchebags, CA
-Kwade
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You must have incurred serious emotional abuse to find this steaming pile of ill-timed, trite, amateurish, schlock that passes for humor, funny. If you excuse me I'll be on MY way... To my bosses office, to vomit into his mouth. That seems a fitting end to my life. A life where my penultimate act is touch typing the heart wrenching story of a man who gouged his own eyes out because a certain, unfunny pile of idiot sent me a retarded video which virally implanted the death of humor in my brain.

Kelly Wade, You are a dirty viral typhoidMary of unfunny.
Please jump off of a Huge Black cock into a sea of prison rape.

Love,
Jordykins
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Don't worry, Kelley. Your future husband has already come by my office to explain that you have a birth defect that prevents you from engaging in any intelligent thought or witty repartee. Don't worry, Kell. It's not your fault. It's your mom's horrible ovaries that are to blame.
-Jeremy
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TRITE

that's the word i was looking for. Trite.

oh, also, prison rape
-Tim
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OMG!

"Please jump off of a Huge Black cock into a sea of prison rape."
Thats my fav..

-Kwade
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Isn't jumping into a sea of prison rape tantamount to jumping onto a bunch of huge black cocks? This appears to be an ideal arrangement for Ms. Wade.
-Jeremy
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Kelley Wade is the only prison bitch I know who lives outside the walls. All in favor of locking her inside with all you-can-eat Chocolate, rock-hard, hate-filled twinkies, Say "Aye!"

All opposed, Eat a dick
-Jordan
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Did you talk to Miri? Can we give Hirsh her info?

Love you,
L
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry
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Hey guys!

Just a quick update from Ally club. We only have two meetings left this year! (May 28 we have no school and June 4 is an exam day).
May 14May 21Also important: the ICC banquet is coming up on May 17. Please come to this if you can. As Ms. Walker pointed out, we haven't really gone to many of the other ICC events, so we really want to have a lot of people there. (See end of e-mail for list of who signed up to bring what).

For anyone who wasn't there last meeting... the woman from the organization formerly known as NCCJ (I can't remember the new name), Lacy (can't remember her last name either... oops) talked about Camp Anytown. We talked a lot about wanting to do more throughout the year next year, and we discussed possible teacher training not only for Day of Silence, but for the entire year. Big point of the meeting? We need to focus on getting through to the bystanders (the ones who don't participate in the bullying but don't do anything to stop it).

Also... we are going to have officer elections at the next meeting or the meeting after. Here's a list of who wants to run for what. If you want to switch positions or want to run, let me know, because I'll switch it before I make little ballot things for the meeting.
Colleen Theissen ~ presidentBrian Zarbock ~ presidentAllie Easley ~ vice-presidentNick Eagan ~ ICC representativeSarah Woolsey ~ secretaryVirginia Barnhardt ~ treasurerI think that's it. See you all next Monday!

~Sarah W.~

ICC Banquet sign-up list
Brendan C.: (?)
Briana B.: muffins (rainbow!)
Rebekah S.: muffins (rainbow!)
Andi D.: muffins (rainbow!)
Kyle T.: banana pudding
Tracy P.: cake
Katie L.: cookies
Jeffrey L.: (?)
Virginia B.: blueberry pie
JT R.: brownies
Colleen T.: M & M cookies
Andrew B.: sugar cookies (rainbow sprinkled)
Ben Y.: organic poptarts
Mandy P.: funfetti cake
Brian Z.: cake
Brittany B.: cookies
Allie E.: cake
Nick E.: cookies/cake
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First: Mm mm...Brownies.
Second: I did Camp Anytown last year...it is a waste of money. There is a cheaper version that WAS calling itself Camp Anytown, until Camp Anytown sued them...Tolerance? Yeah Right. Anyway, the new place is camp EVERYTOWN...hilarious.
Third: I really prefer Mr. Roboto instead of JT.
Fourth: Ben and Mandy need some new foods. I cant stand Funfetti or FakeTarts. Bring on the Pita Chips and Guacamole.
Fifth and Final: Please get my correct email address for this mailing list, because someone (I'm looking at you Sarah) wrote down my "Bizarro Jordan Roth's" email instead of mine.
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Hi GSA members and friends, At our next meeting, May 14, I will be assisted by our awesome seniors, Becca, Brendon, and Brianna, in facilitating a discussion on fighting harassament at our school. Plus we will hopefully have an update from our end of year party committee (Allison, Nick, Katie and someone else). I hope to see everyone there on Monday. Have a great weekend. Ms. Walker'
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Hello everyone!

This is just a short reminder that Monday (May 21st) after school we have an ally meeting and our elections for next year.

Hope to see you all there!

~Sarah~
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Let's all boycott the Elections, Frankly there is not enough accountability. I remarked in my last email my intentions of changing my name. Guess what! Nobody called me by my new name. I also mentioned that my email address is written down wrong. Still Sarah sends me these newsletters to an account of some OTHER Jordan Roth. I feel like my choices are not being respected. When you ignore choice, you let the terrorists win. Sarah, I am frankly insulted by your decision to sideline my requests. You might as well tell me to only like crunchy peanut butter or cats, not smooth or dogs. This is borderline Fascism! Sarah, Accept that you plan to embolden the enemy through your wanton disregard of tolerance for my human right to choose.

I hope you think long and hard about this.

Regards,
--
Jordan Roth
JordanRoth@gmail.com

P.S. I am a little disappointed. I have tried through my nonsensical ramblings to prove that you are not sending this email to the Jordan Roth to whom you intend to send it. I am a Demolition Contractor with a decent sense of humor and way too much time on my hands. This "Bizarro" Jordan Roth has been giving out my email address for the past year or so. I've had to decline E-vites and even tell his own mother that the boombox she wanted to buy was overpriced and overfeatured. I hope my two responses to this newsletter were taken in jest. PLEASE take me off the mailing list and tell this J.T. Roth character that he should be more careful when he passes out his email address at bars. In conclusion, while I respect the cause, I will not be voting in the elections. Please remove me from this mailing list.
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So sorry nobody listened to your complaints. Unfortunately, our club members still hasn't changed within the (almost) year this event took place. This probably seems random, but I was organizing my e-mail account. When I get up to 800 unread messages, I start too get antsy. Best of luck, Liz p.s. Share the love <3
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Dear Alice,
Thank you, so much for your response.
I'm glad you understood the true purpose of the codex. Since. As said by Hernan Cortez, "Saturday is a day of ultimate feast...he makes his sense known homeward, under the monarchy." I think that quote is pretty fitting. I did share the love of incoherent ramblings with my cohorts. Their raucous laughter shines moonbeams upon Jesus, head. I hope your members has changed.


PS. That's so Rogan
RXRXRX!

Love shared: edited,
Liz.
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Mission: To record the craziest experiences I have experienced living in relative anonymity on the web.

I have had some hilarious times responding to emails which were not intended to go to me. I have also had some flame wars that warrant sharing. Those two categories of correspondence will comprise the majority of this log.

Stay tuned: You will get the hang of it.